Life is not easy for the Coldplayers: an under-class marginalised by an Establishment of pretentious music critics, ignorant observers and bandwagon-followers.

But these peoples - inspired by the musical talents of Berryman, Buckland, Champion and Martin - are not without hope. A resistance movement under the rallying call of Coldplayism bubbles under the surface.

Viva la revolution! Coldplayers of the world, unite!


Aren't you just fair-weather music fans who like a band whose songs are just used for those euphoric montages on the X Factor?

No. The X Factor is an ill of society - except for 10 minutes in 2011 when our marginalised voice was broadcast to the masses.

Don't you just have terrible music taste?

That's subjective, but no, we don't. We like Radiohead, Joy Division and Morrissey as much as the Establishment do.

Seriously though, do you think 'Princess of China' is a good song?

Within every box of apples you may find a rotten one. Please refer to A Rush Of Blood To The Head.

Don't you think painting an equals sing on your hand is pathetic?

No, we don't. Do you not care about the poor exploited farmers of Africa?

Aren't you just trying to impose your authoritarian plan on society under the guise of musical emancipation?

Not at all. Western liberal democracy suits us fine, thanks.

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